Let’s have a bit of fun.
This is a list of games I came up with that showcase in one way or another a currently trending idea done horribly, horribly wrong. If the idea was already wrong in the first place, rest assured that I’ll take it to unimaginable extremes. So without further ado, let’s submerge into this delightful sea of awfulness:
- Call of Mario: Modern Hero. A gritty remake based on the mario franchise where our titular hero has been converted from a plucky italian plumber into an american silent space marine hacker. His goal is to infiltrate the ‘tubes of the internets via a virtual reality device and deactivate the bomb called “princess” that is under North Korean control. The virtual space is, of course, rendered exactly like a WWII battlefield except with neon lights all over the place. His virtual gun of choice is a flamethrower that shoots balls of fire that bounce around. The last boss is a beefed up giant Kim Jong-il that resembles a naked ape with a red tie. Also, at the end of the game it is revealed that Mario in real life has no legs because irony.
- Tomb Raider’s Beach Volleyball Party. After the success of the new game in the franchise and the dire economic state of the company, Square decides to give the audience what they want: a T&A extravaganza. Share pictures and video with your friends via facebook! One hand controls! Take Lara on a date and receive bonus points for never pointing the camera above her chest and crotch. Be complimented by Lara for being socially awkward! Be amazed at how creepy the achievements can get! Hint: Stare at Lara’s boobs for more than 2 hours straight while wanking (requires kinect). Oh yeah, and also there is, like, volleyball and stuff.
- xPerience: Assembled. User content is the holy grail of videogames. You’ve seen minecraft, right? You thought that was special? We’ve gone the extra mile! Unlike them, we don’t underestimate our audience. Of course they can build a game if you give them the tools. We? We go way beyond that. We let the community build the tools too! In fact, we demand it! For only 60$ you can also be a part of this new revolution! (Content: MSDOS assembly language compiler and a link to the user manual in the official page).
- World of Assassins. Freemium MMO where there are no monsters or bosses or quests. The only way to earn experience is by murdering other player characters. Once dead, the only way to revive it is by paying an amount equal to the level of the character, which not only revives the character but also makes it gain one level. The experience gained is directly proportional to the level of the murdered character. New players have no levels and only give out 1 experience point when murdered (for reference: 100 are needed to level up to level 1). Tiny differences in level translate into massive differences in fire power.
- Tetris: Hardcore Edition. Tetris with physics. Blocks rotate incrementally instead of direct 90 degree turns, other rules and controls stay the same. Drop down to the floor in fetal position and weep profusely.
If you’ve seen some of the videogame news, you might have guessed what triggered this post. If you haven’t, here’s the summarized version: There were some people that tried to “remake” megaman into a gritty and generic first person shooter. No, I’m not kidding. Weep with me for the state of humanity.