So Blonde it hurts

I borrowed a game from a friend of mine (who shall remain unnamed), called “So Blonde” (the game, not my friend) only because of it’s genre and presentation. It’s a graphic adventure with gorgeous visuals and charming music, all set in a tropical island. What can go wrong? Well, for me, just one thing: The main character. I had my fears before installing it just because of the title. It didn’t give me a lot of hope in the personality realm. In my mind this was going to be about some blonde teenager with a passion for ponies and everything pretty and sparkly.

Turns out you can judge a game by it’s boxart. At least this one.

After 3 minutes of gameplay, my fears were confirmed. This airheaded, superficial and remarkably stupid teenager was just too much for me. I wish I could stomach that kind of crap but I sadly can’t. I tried to go on, I swear! I even tried to talk to someone to see if there was intelligent life somewhere in this game but sadly, the lettuce with boobs that I had for a protagonist didn’t want to talk to a boy because her makeup and hair was all messed up. Let me get this straight: You walk all over the place without any problems but you don’t talk to a boy because he might see you with your hair messed up? Girl, that boy is not blind, people’s eyes also function outside of conversation, you know? *sigh*

Yeah yeah yeah, I know. “You are not the target audience”. But tell me, who is? Who would be glad to pay for a game like this? I can only imagine girls with the same attitude as the protagonist would be the target audience… I guess. I really don’t know.

Anyways, I read a few reviews and it turns out that the dialogs are well written, which I wouldn’t have guessed. As expected the story was thin, the puzzle design was surprisingly well done and … nothing else really. The average score on metacritic is a solid 60. Frankly I would rate it at 50 or 45, and it would be even lower if it were not for the gorgeous backgrounds and music.

Lesson of the day: If you are going to make an adventure game, please, for the love of god, don’t have an incredibly stupid, one-dimensional, shallow, superficial and whiny walking cliche as the protagonist. That is, unless you want to make a cringe inducing game.


Oh, and So Blonde is getting a sequel on the Wii and DS. No, thank you, I would personally prefer Monkey Island 5.


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